MST3K & the related characters are owned and copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. Sailor Moon, Rocky Horror Picture Show, Tenchi Muyo, Harley Quinn, and Trigun are also owned and copyrighted by their respective owners. I did this for fun; I don't mean to infringe on anyone's rights, or to insult Chiisu. I actually kinda liked this fic... compared to most other lemons, anyways. And, as will probably be painfully obvious, this is my first attempt at MiSTing. You've been warned... Have phun! MYSTERY PANTS THEATRE 3000 In the not too distant future Just about 10:13 The greatest scientist in the universe Was hatching an evil scheme She hired a temp by the name of Rei Just an out-of-work priestess with bills to pay She and her friends would make good guinea pigs So Washu conked 'em on their noggins And now they're livin' in space digs (Get me down!!!) "I'll send her cheesy fanfics The worst I can find (La la la!) She'll have to sit and watch them all And I'll monitor her mind (La la la!)" Now keep in mind Rei can't control When the fanfic begins or ends She'll try to keep her sanity With the help of her shoujo friends Shoujo Roll Call! Harley! ("Pleased to meetcha!") Columbia! ("She's OK!") Ryoko ("_Why_, Washu-chan??") Vaaaaaaash! ("That's "shouNEN"...") If you're wondering how she eats and breathes and other science facts (La la la!), Then repeat to yourself, "It's just a show, I should really just relax For Mystery Pants Theater 3000!" (*twang*) ********** (Rei wakes up on a spaceship, wearing a red jumpsuit. Sitting nearby, reading a comic book, is Ryoko.) Ryoko: Good morning, sunshine. Rei: Unhh... where am I? Ryoko: You're on my spaceship. Say hello, Ryo-oh-ki. (A giant crystal floats up to Rei upon which appears the face of a sickeningly cute cabbit.) Ryo-oh-ki: Meow-Meowww! Rei: (jumps) Sweet Jesus! (She rubs her head) Ow... what did I _do_ last night? Last I remember I was mopping the floors in Washu's lab... Ryoko: Yeah, I hate to tell you, but you're stuck here for a while. Washu-chan's decided to explore the uses of lousy writing as a weapon, so she needed some tests subjects, and you were the handiest. How did you come to work for her, anyways? Rei: I used to run a temple with my grandfather, but Washu "accidentally" blew it up during one of her little experiments. She claimed she felt bad, so she offered me a job working for her. It wasn't bad, just a little creepy. Grandpa's still desperately trying to find a job in the lemon industry. What about you; why are you here? Ryoko: (sweat drop, scratches back of head) That's sort of a funny story... Aeka and I were having a fight in Washu's lab, and, well, there was a little... mishap... let's just say everybody was finding carrot bits and clumps of cabbit hair around the house for weeks afterwards. So Washu banished me to my spaceship for a while to "think about what I did." It's not so bad, though... not as bad as what she did to Aeka. She's a body double in some of the new Sailor Moon lemons... (shudder) (A larger crystal appears before the two of them. This one displays the face of Washu, who waves.) Washu: Hellooo! I hope you're enjoying your stay, Rei... I trust Ryoko explained to you why you're here. You two will be fine research for the effects of cheesy fanfics on the human mind. I've seen people driven to madness by such things... imagine the effect they could have worldwide! (Two small puppet-robots appear on Washu's shoulders.) Robot 1: That's right, Washu-chan! Robot 2: You're a genius, Washu-chan! Washu: (beaming) Anyways, you'll be sharing the spaceship, or the "Satellite of Kawaii" as I like to call it, with one more person: I hired a janitor a while back, because I knew I couldn't depend on Ryoko to keep up the place. Ryoko: (glares) Washu: Vash, would you come in? (Enter a tall, lanky guy with spiky blonde hair, a mop, a long red coat, and a sweet face. Hanging off his left arm is a girl in a black-and-red clown suit, and off his right arm is a petite girl in tap shoes and vest, bustier, top hat, and hot pants... all sequined.) Vash: Um, I found these two roaming around the ship. (Harley Quinn and Columbia look at Washu, Rei, and Ryoko, who, equally quizzically, look back.) All: Who are _you_? (Awkward silence) Harley: Well, I'm Harley... Columbia and I heard that this bishounen was up here all alone, so we thought we'd come check it out. Columbia: (cuts her eyes toward Vash, raises her eyebrows, and licks her lips) Washu: But... how did you get up here? (Another silence. In the distance, a cow moos.) Harley: Don't ask me; we don't write this garbage. Washu: Well, I suppose it doesn't matter. But as long as you two are here, you will participate in my experiment. (pushes a button) Off with you now! (The room dims and lights flash all around.) Columbia: Where the hell are we, Paris?! Ryoko: We've got fanfic siiiiign... (Ryoko grabs Rei, Harley, and Columbia, and dashes for the theatre. Vash, left all alone, finds a donut on the floor and sits down for lunch.) ********** (Door 6 is black, covered in a red diamond pattern. Two hyenas snap at you, and you toss them a package of meat. Try to get through the door before they realize it's just veggie burgers.) (Door 5 is partially blocked by huge stacks of Ryoko's shoujo manga books. Well, she borrowed them from Tenchi's dad, anyways. Shove them out of the way.) (Door 4 is covered with photos of Meatloaf. Er... just move on.) (Door 3 is in flames. You see visions of the future: misspelled words, lousy sex scenes, and abused characters. Yikes! Grab the fire extinguisher and keep going.) (Door 2 is next to a TV playing the latest episode of 'Battling Seizure Robots!' When you're done, dust yourself off and go through.) (Door 1... well, you can't really see Door 1, because the room is entirely filled with incense smoke. Quickly, dive through the portal into the theatre!) ********** (Ryoko, Columbia, Harley, and Rei sit down and prepare themselves mentally for a surely wacky fic.) >Insert standard disclaimer blah blah blah contains graphic happy sex Rei: Damn! I was all set for manic-depressive sex. >not for yongsters blah blah blah..not my characters (duh) please dont >sue me..I have no money and you cant have my anime so there ! > > >Dariens Visit Columbia: To the kill-floor! Harley: "Don't let the name fool you, Billy. It's actually more of a platform that lets loose materials slide through." > > > by Chiisu > > >The small red car pulled into the drive and Rei: clowns began to pour out. Harley: (hopeful) Well-armed clowns? Rei: Later, dear. This fic might not be so bad... >Serena lept from her place on the couch as if she had a spring loaded >cushion. Ryoko: (as Serena) Luna... have you been ordering from Acme again? >She threw open the door before Darien even had a chance to knock. His >hand still in mid air she towed him into the house. She smiled >prettily Ryoko: baring her teeth, preparing for the kill. >and sat down beside him on the sofa. > "Now Serena I don't want this to turn into another make out >session." Columbia: (as Darien) I'm broke... I won't be able to pay this time! >He said undoing the buckles on his satchel. Ryoko: That's an unusual comment. >"God knows what your parents would think if they caught us." Harley: (as Mrs. Tsukino) All right, she's _not_ a lesbian. Columbia: (as Mr. Tsukino) You owe me five bucks. Rei: (shaking head) Please, no flashbacks to 'Evening At Lita's.' >Serena grabbed some M n M's from the candy dish and shook her head, >pigtails bouncing. > "That won't be a problem." Harley: (as Serena) My parents are buried in the basement. Tee hee! > "Oh, good." Darien smiled relieved. > "Yeah they're away for the weekend. We have the place to >ourselves." >He rose quickly grabbing his coat from off the arm of the sofa. Rei: That's the most sensible thing I've heard all day. > "No Wait! You promised me you'd help me with this algebra test this >week. Its gonna be really hard." Columbia: (opens her mouth to say something, but is quickly shushed by Ryoko.) Ryoko: Save it for later, hon. >Serena whined, her blue eyes widening innocently. She grabbed at >Darien's shirt sleeve her bottom lip trembling. >Frowning he pulled his arm free and shook his head. >"Please. You Promised." Serena said clasping her hands together under >her chin an squinching her eyes shut. Rei: (grabs cellular phone, dials) Hello? Yes, we seem to be in need of some commas. Can you have them here within the next couple - -" Washu: (zaps phone) None of that! Rei: (grumbles) > "Ahhhhhh...all right. I did say I was going to help you." Darien >reluctantly sank back down onto the sofa and opened the thick school >book he'd put on the coffee table. Ryoko: ...and was promptly sucked into the book a la Sam Raimi. Rei: "Woah. Wrong book." Harley: *blinks* Am I the only person whose head that went over? > "Good! You'd be more comfortable closer to me, you know, so I can >see better. Closer, closer, there perfect." Columbia: (as Serena, who accidentally leans too far and bonks into Darien's head) Owww! >Serena's head rested on his shoulder as they began the first problem. >Darien looked into Serena's gleeful face not paying the least >attention, and untangling her stocking foot from his ankle chanted >his mantra: This is going to be a long night this is going to be a >long night this is going... Rei: (puts on a hardhat) Columbia: (puts on a sequined hardhat) Harley: (puts on a hardhat with jingly bells on it, and offers one to Ryoko) Ryoko: No. > Two hours later they had actually made some progress and Serena had >even learned a little. Ryoko: (as Luna) Now, Serena, _what_ have you learned tonight about the dangers of Superglue? >She chewed the end of her pencil thoughtfully Rei: (snickers) >and pressing her petite breasts into his arm Ryoko: (as Darien) Ow! Watch the conebra! >whined something unintelligible about why she had to learn stinky old >math anyway. Darien shifted away from her and bent forward grabbing >some M n M's from the dish. >Serena bit her lip and lept sat the chance. Columbia: Who's this Lept and why's he sitting the chance? Harley: Maybe he wants to watch Serena and Darien get it o-Ow!!" (thwacked by Columbia) >Literally. >She threw herself forward striking Darien in the side. Columbia: ...with a bat. Harley: (as Serena) That's for 'Sailor Moon Fantasy!' (thwack) That's for 'Free Time!' (thwack thwack) And THAT'S for 'Tuxedo and the Bitch!!' >Not expecting his study date to tackle him he went down. Rei: On whom? Harley: (holds up the bat) Don't make me use this, Rei. Rei: (sticks tongue out) >They struck the carpet in a tangled knot of limbs, Darien smashing >his head on the floor hard enough to make him see Harley: Elvis! Rei: Jeeeeeeeeee-sus! Ryoko: A way out of this fic before it's too late. >an explosion of color for a second. Moaning he half sat up but was >forced back down by his study date. Columbia: (stomach grumbling) *urp* Man, that Darien just won't stay down! Ryoko: Y'know, that could be taken in so many ways. > "No you shouldn't move. You could have a serious head injury. You >just lie there while I take off your pants." Rei: *blink* >He was too stunned to do anything more than lay on the floor and >press his hands to the side of his throbbing head. He blinked the world Columbia: Which took a _lot_ of effort. >suddenly snapped back into focus and Darien was surprised to find >Serena yanking his pants off over his slippers. Rei: Wow, Serena's getting militant about laundry day. > "What are you doing?" He asked calmly. >She sat up, his pants dangling from her fist. > "I'm helping you. Isn't this what the paramedics do when people get >a concussion?" > "No not that I'm aware of." >She smiled weakly as Harley: ...she loaded her gun. (as a grim, plotting Serena) Put _me_ in lemons, will they? I'll make 'em all pay... >Darien continued to stare hard at her. The pants slithered to the >floor Ryoko: Gives a whole new meaning to "trouser snake," don't it? >and he sat up grabbing them. > "Umm sorry." Serena mumbled as he fumbled with his pants. He >couldn't get them back on , there was something lodged in his pant >leg. Columbia: (covers her mouth to stifle uncontrollable giggling) >Sighing he reached into first one leg then the other and pulling out >his slippers from the inside outed fabric. > "I was just trying to help you know. Does your head hurt much?" >He didn't answer he only pulled his pants back on. >Horrified Serena realized that once he got his pants on and all done >up he would probably go home. The night was pretty much shot to hell >once she tried to bludgeon him to death. Harley: That's no reason to stop trying! >Taking a deep breath she did the only thing she could think of, the >only thing that made sense. Rei: She turned the gun on herself. All: (chanting) Turn it, turn it, turn it... >Leaping she wrapped her arms around him and kissed him. He toppled >back onto the floor. Darien's head struck the carpet a second time, >his pants puddled around his ankles Columbia: Sounds messy. >and Serena was wriggling against him. >She stretched out her tiny supple body over his. Some how his hands >found there way, on their own, to Ryoko: Her wallet. >the small of her back. Darien held her softly as he passively let >Serena kiss him. Her lips were some how sticky Columbia: Damn, was Lita here already today? All others: (hit Columbia) Columbia: Eeeeeeeeek! >and as she closed her eyes to receive a kiss from him he spoke >instead. > "Are you wearing lipstick?" > "No. Yummy bubble lip gloss." > "Lip gloss?" > "Yeah it's s'posed to taste like bubble gum." Serena said giggling. > Darien smiled, a warmth creeping over him. Ryoko: (as Darien) Serena... did you set fire to my feet again? Rei: (as Serena) Tee hee! >She had always had such a sweet disposition and now she tasted it. Harley: How could she taste her own dispo-Never mind. Ryoko: Try not to think about it, dear. >"Well it is yummy." He said tipping her chin in his hand and kissing >her, his tongue slipping between her slightly parted lips > He knew this would be a new sensation for her. Knew it because she >had never been with anyone else but him and he curbed whatever they >did alone together. He had denied himself the pleasures of her body >because of her age. > Strangely elated he felt the cautious point of her tongue touch his >and then his mouth was full of air as Rei: ...he tired of lips and began to gnaw on Serena's brain. >Serena began to giggle. >He broke off the kiss suddenly. >Serena's eye s flew open. "What?" > "Mmmm, something's under me." >Turing onto his side, Serena still clutched to his chest he grabbed >the offending object and threw it onto the couch. Harley: Chewy, yummy, smoky... it's FORESHADOWING! > Darien turned the rest of the way over lowering Serena to the thick >pile rug. She locked her fingers behind his neck and pulled him back >in. Darien's fingers tangled themselves in Serena's honey blonde >hair. His body encompassed hers like a living blanket, she was very >warm and receptive to his touch, like a plant that craved water. Columbia: Well, it _is_ a lemon, maybe she's a plant that craves--- Ryoko: That's it. Bad Columbia! BAD Columbia! Go lay down! Go! Git! Columbia: (whimpers and sulks out to the back of the theater) >An inviting blush crept over her pale cheeks and he found himself >wanting to make her cry out with sudden pleasure. She had been >wanting him to for a long time, waiting, wishing for Darien to take >her virginity. Tonight he felt would be hers. > Serena seeming to sense his thoughts closed her round blue eyes, >running her fingers over the wall Harley: (as Serena) Hmm... nothing, nothing... (the stud-finder beeps) Here's one! >of his back. Darien bent over her kissing the skin on her throat, her >collar bone, the tops of her breasts. Serena sighed her lips pursing >in a delicious pout. Darien slid his hand up under the tartan skirt Ryoko: (as Darien) AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!! Harley: (as Serena) I _knew_ I left that bear trap somewhere! >she was wearing. His fingertips brushing over the unseen fabric of >her panties. Rei: Now, for his next trick, the Amazing RANDO will make these panties... disappear! > "Oh!" Her eyes opened, wide and wonderfully surprised as Darien >rubbed his agile fingers against her silken mound. Ryoko: (as Serena) Um... Darien? I'm over here. Harley: (as Darien, stroking a pile of Serena's underwear) Heh... sorry. Where was I? >He slipped his fingers beneath the panties and worked her clitoris >with rising speed until she was screaming with delight and had taken >hold of his vigorously pumping arm. > Just watching her expressions and the breath rushing in an out of >her chest made him Harley: ...want to _puke his guts out_! BLEAAAAAGH! >hard. Darien felt her come against his hand and she lay under him >panting words struggled to form themselves in her throat. > Grabbing at the panties he pulled them from under her skirt staring >at them for a long moment , his passion cooling as of he'd had a >bucket od ice warter Rei: Is that Norse? >thrown over him. > Serena sat up encircling him with her arms. >"What's wrong, aren't you ready yet?" She asked leaning her head into >his chest. Her hand explored the front of his pants at last resting >posesivly around his still present hard on. Ryoko: (as Darien) Sorry, it's 10:30, I have to go cheat on you. >"Keropi turtle." Darien said softly. Rei: "That's nothin'. One time I called this chick Mom." > "Hunh?" > "Your underwear have Kero Kero on them." Ryoko: "And now it's time for... KERO-CHAN'S CHECK!!!" > "Yeah so?" > "I-I have to go." Darien pulled himself away quickly buckling his >pants against his obvious erection. He had almost had sex with a >child. A child. Ryoko: (as Darien) But Rini's the only one for me! Rei & Harley: Ewwwwwwwwww...... >Cursing himself he ignored the pained looks Serena was showering him >with and fled. Harley: That sounds like a damned good idea. C'mon, girls, we can finish this later... (pulls out that cute punching-glove-gun-thing and busts through the theater door) You too, Columbia! (as light streams into the room, the four of them stroll out into the hall)